It seems to me that us humans each contain a great emptiness, a yearning, a dissatisfaction. In some ways this is a good thing. It is what has driven our species on to use our ingenuity to improve our lot on this planet and even reach out into space. Dolphins have bigger brains but seem to be satisfied with their ocean lives.

Nevertheless, there seems no way to assuage the emptiness. We try everything, more, bigger, better possessions, a new partner, a different career, or the darker side of the craving with substance abuse or destructive kinds of sex.

When I was 10, in 1963, my dad had been promoted and I got everthing I wanted for Christmas. By the end of boxing day I realised that I was no more satisfied than I had been before. Nevertheless, I went through my adolescence sort of believing that, with just a few changes to my situation, the non specific yearning would go away. This was combined with an uneasy suspicion that, whatever I did, the dissatisfaction would still be there.

The sixties were an amazing time to grow up. It seemed like a new beginning, with all the hypocritical garbage of the past being thrown out. Alas, it didn't quite work like that, but it was a good try. To me, religion was a mediaeval remnant, part of the oppressive power structure. It blessed war and put chains on loving. I was impressed by figures like Jesus and had an idea that somewhere, hidden behind the encrustacions of millenia there may be a kernel of truth, but "all in all it was all just bricks in the wall".

I developed into being vaguely pagan. I had a belief in a great spiritual power of some sort, which I felt closer to in the outdoors rather than in religious buildings. I tended to keep this secret. I even developed rituals of my own, but felt a bit daft doing them.

About 4 years ago a combination of circumstances brought me in touch with Subud. This organisation enables people to experience the Latihan, which is Indonesian for exercise. Subud does not advertise, but expects that people will find it when they are ready to do the Latihan.

If I had investigated Subud in the normal way, engaging it with my intellect, I would almost certainly have rejected it. In fact, I was introduced by friends who told me of meeting incredibly wonderful spiritual people there and that it seemed to be something special. This is what I've found to be the case, and after 3 years of regular Latihaning, my emptiness has diminished greatly.

So, what is this Latihan? What is Subud. Well! For a start it's not a religion. People of all faiths and none gather together for the Latihan. It was founded by an Indonesian muslim after he had profound and life changing spiritual experience. This he learned to pass on to others and it has spread World wide. I am dodging round the business of describing a Latihan, because I can't describe it. I could describe what happened in my last Latihan, but the next one will be different, and it is different for each person there. For me it is 30 minutes of unfettered contact with The Great Spirit. My Muslim friends would call it Allah, my Christian friends Almighty God, and yet in Latihan I hear Christians calling out to Allah and Muslims repeating the name of Jesus. My partner, who, since she started Latihaning, has been confirmed in the Church of England, often shouts Adonai and has taken the name Emuna, which is hebrew for Faith.

I suppose the nearest thing to a Latihan that most people know of is Quaker worship, though the Latihan is much more animated. You just stand there and wait for something to happen. Usually it does, and it's very real. Of course, I accept that this could be all psychological suggestion. I might just be kidding myself. I probably won't know for certain until I die, and then I'll only know if it really is real.

Subud is the organisation that facilitates the Latihan. Like all organisations it has a certain amount of baggage. There are things that I don't like about it, but also plenty that I do like. If I had initially approached Subud through its literature, and particularly the many talks given by its founder, Mohammed Subuh Sumowodidjojo , I would almost certainly have been put off. His beliefs were a combination of Islam and traditional Indonesian belief, neither of which appeal to me. However, it is not necessary to accept any of this to benefit from the Latihan. There is no Nicean creed! I am still a Pagan, but you can remove the prefix "vaguely"

So what have you tried along your journey?